Twelve for Tea
by Domini Porter
Summary: Totally cracked out, everybody-plus-kitchen-sink ridiculous nonsense. Femmeslash and how!


The delicate china teacup clattered against its saucer. Minerva McGonagall swallowed her mouthful of milky tea painfully as she stared at Madame Hooch, who was oiling her broomstick provocatively. Minerva's eyes were transfixed as Xiomara stroked the gleaming wood with a soft white cloth, pausing to add a few glistening drops of oil to the already-saturated pole.

"Won't—won't you slide off if you put too much oil on it?" she choked. Hooch laughed.

"Of course not, silly! When you've got the kind of control _I've_ got between my legs—years of flying, you know."

"Indeed," Minerva said with difficulty. Her mouth was watering and it had nothing to do with the biscuits.

Across the room, Katie, Angelina, and Alicia were comparing bruises. Katie was pulling her shirt off to display a large purpling mark high on her chest when Cho poked her head in through the door.

"Don't try to pass that off on Quidditch, Katie!" she cried. "You know that one's mine!" Katie grinned sheepishly as Cho marched over to her, slinging her arm around the other girl's shoulder. Angelina and Alicia followed suit, and the four of them huddled low in a giggling scrum. Squeals of laughter dissolved into squeaks of pleasure, and they disappeared en masse into a nearby closet.

"The best girls who've ever played on my team," Hooch sighed happily. "That Angelina Johnson is a firecracker! Ruthless with a broomhandle, from what her teammates tell me."

Minerva was having a very difficult time focusing on her tea. Hooch was still rubbing oil into her broomstick, and her lemon-yellow eyes slid over to Minerva's. She wasn't a hundred percent certain, but she could swear Hooch was licking her lips. Minerva twitched nervously, trying to steady herself.

"Show me how you turn into a cat, won't you?" Hooch asked innocently. "You know I love to stroke pussies."

Minerva choked.

"Do it!" shouted Ginny Weasley from the corner of the room. "C'mon! We love it!"

Hermione looked up from her position between Ginny's knees. "Oh _please_, professor!" Ginny rolled her eyes and shoved Hermione's head back down.

"What did I tell you about talking?" she chided. Hermione's muffled apology made Ginny wriggle on the divan.

"Well—this is highly irregular—I mean--" Minerva was struggling to find reasons to escape from Transfiguring. She didn't know why, except the thought of being so much smaller than Madame Hooch made her squirm. Not entirely uncomfortably, either.

"I promise I won't be too rough," Hooch smiled deliciously. "I know you hate it when people stroke you too hard."

Minerva flushed red. "I do not!" she huffed. Moments later she was curling around Xiomara's broom, her tail flicking under the woman's robes.

"Come here, you!" Hooch squealed, flopping on the armchair and hoisting the cat into her lap. Minerva purred contentedly as Hooch ran her broad hands across her fur.

Suddenly, Narcissa Malfoy burst into the room. "Where's Bella?" she cried. "I haven't been able to find her _anywhere_." She sounded near tears.

"What's wrong, pet?" cooed Hooch.

"It's just—it's just—I've been so _naughty_!" Narcissa wailed. "I visited Andromeda yesterday, and . . . you know, one thing leads to another . . ."

"How _is_ Mum?" Tonks looked up, tugging Luna's hair making the other girl look up as well. "I haven't seen her in _ages_."

"Oh, she's fine," Narcissa sniffled. "I mean, no, she _isn't_ fine! She's a dirty traitor and I had to teach her a lesson!"

"You couldn't teach a tree to grow!" cackled Ginny. Hermione's stifled laugh made her sigh, her fingers clutching at the girl's head.

Narcissa burst into tears. Tonks leapt up and crossed to her, patting her on the back as she brushed Narcissa's long platinum fall. Luna sighed sadly, and wandered into the back room. "Love what you've done with it," Tonks said, twisting it in her fingers and pulling hard. "But you know me, I love long hair."

"Ohhhh, how pretty!" Narcissa said, noticing Minerva wiggling on Hooch's lap. "Can I touch her?"

"Sure you know what you're doing? From what I hear you can only handle a pussy when you're tied up or your sister is making fun of you." Hooch tugged Minerva's tail. Narcissa burst into fresh sobs.

"Oh, where _is _she?" she moaned.

Ginny sighed, pushing Hermione to the floor with an inelegant thump. "She's in the other room, torturing Lily. Come on, it's almost my turn."

"What about me?" Tonks sounded affronted. "I'm a traitor, too."

"She's just doing the redheads tonight," Ginny said as she pulled the tear-stained Narcissa behind her. Tonks turned to Hooch and winked as her hair flashed brilliant auburn. She was following Ginny and Narcissa into the back room, where screams alternated with moans of pleasure. As they were opening the door the closet flew open, dislodging Katie and Alicia. They were disheveled, tugging their shirts down.

"Inside-out!" crowed Hooch, pointing at Katie's collar.

"And you've got a little—just let me--" Ginny licked Alicia's neck. "Oh, I thought you had something there. Guess I was wrong. But just to be sure--" she sucked her throat hard for a bit, leaving a bright purple spot.

"God, I love Quidditch players," Hermione groaned from the floor.

"And they love you!" shouted Katie and Alicia in unison, tackling her. Hermione squealed as Katie dove between her legs and Alicia attacked her breasts.

Loud thumps and moans were coming from the closet, where Angelina and Cho were still playing find-the-Snitch.

"Marvelous game," Hooch mused. "I broke speed records back in my day."

"I'll bet you did," Minerva gasped, turning back into herself.

"I'm sure I've still got a little of the old magic," Hooch grinned.

In the back room, Bellatrix had her wand trained on Lily's writhing body. "Filthy Mudblood!" she shrieked. Lily groaned.

"I love when you talk dirty to me," she panted. "Do it again!"

"Do not presume to command me! I am descended from an ancient and powerful bloodline!"

"Tell me all about it," Lily said. "Make it last a _long_ time."

Bellatrix stamped her foot. "If you're not going to take me seriously I won't do it anymore."

"Serious as a heart attack, I _swear_," Lily replied. "_Please_?"

"Bella!" Narcissa cried, flinging herself at her sister's feet. "Oh Bella, I've been so very, very bad! I'm pretty sure I need to be punished."

Bellatrix spun on her heel, kicking Narcissa out of the way. The blonde landed on top of Luna with a soft yelp of pleasure. "Wait your turn, bitch," Bellatrix hissed. "There's a queue."

On the floor, Hermione was arching her back as Katie and Alicia took turns straddling her.

"She's got a lot of agility," Katie said as Hermione bent back impossibly.

"Yeah, but her reflexes are shit," Alicia replied. "She'd not make it thirty seconds in the air."

"I've always felt Miss Granger's talents were best served in other pursuits, myself," McGonagall called to them. "With her mind I'm sure she could think of far more interesting ways to spend an afternoon." She yelped as Hooch's hands moved under her robes.

"Oh, we know, professor," Katie called back. "Believe us."

"I do, girls, I do."

"I think most of the school does," Alicia snickered. Hermione made an affronted grunt. "Not that you've slept with everyone, love," Alicia said quickly. "Just that everyone you _haven't_ slept with has probably slept with Ginny, and you know how girls will talk." She punctuated her statement with a well-aimed thrust of her hand, making Hermione squeal with pleasure.

Bellatrix kissed Lily hard and slapped her. "Who's next?"

"Me!" Ginny yelled.

"On the floor, slut!" Ginny flopped on the ground, knees wide. Narcissa wailed again. Lily went to her and stroked her hair consolingly. Narcissa sighed happily as Lily began to nibble her earlobes. Luna stood up, watching with detached interest.

"Bella's going to be _so_ upset," Lily cooed. "First your blood-traitor sister and now a Mudblood." Delight lit up Narcissa's face and she threw Lily to the ground. "Ow!" Lily shouted. "Yes! Do it like that!"

In the other room Angelina and Cho were emerging from the closet, flushed and panting. Hooch and McGonagall were a mass of black robes on the armchair, meows of delight mixing with caws of happiness.

Hermione was moaning louder under Katie and Alicia's attentions. "Say it!" she said, her voice a strangled groan.

"Say what?" Katie teased.

"Just _say_ it!"

"Oh, you mean," Alicia paused dramatically, "that Hermione Granger is top of her class?"

"Yessssssss!" Hermione cried, bucking wildly. Katie and Alicia grinned and exchanged high-fives.

The door swung open. A silvery light filtered into the room.

"Ooooh, I am so sorry! I 'ope I am not too late!"

"Fleur!" Hermione panted. "You came!"

"Not yet!" Cho giggled.

"But where is zee Weasley? I love red 'air!"

"All the red 'air is busy," Angelina huffed, yanking Fleur into the closet. "Show me what you French girls are supposed to be so good at."

"Avec plaisir!" Fleur chirped.

"I love to see positive international relations," McGonagall sighed.

"Want to see it up close?" Hooch said, pulling her over to the closet. "As faculty members we _are_ responsible for both observing our students and promoting inter-school interaction."

"Well, one must do one's duty," McGonagall shrugged, and let Hooch pull her in behind them.

Ginny was giggling on the floor as Bellatrix circled her, frowning. "What is _with_ you red-headed girls?" she pouted.

"We just like it that way, eh Lily?" Lily sent a vague thumbs-up in Ginny's direction, distracted by Narcissa and Luna's wriggling bodies.

"Just look at that," she breathed to Tonks. "You can hardly tell them apart!"

"Yeah," Tonks said distractedly. Her arm crept around Lily's shoulder.

Bellatrix let out a mad banshee laugh and shot a red bolt of light at Ginny. The girl twisted and squealed on the ground. Narcissa looked up and moaned unhappily. The tone shifted quickly as Luna began to stroke her rapidly.

Ginny's wails grew louder. Bellatrix looked pleased. "That's better."

A loud, rhythmic thumping was coming from the closet. A nearby picture was knocked off the wall, and Katie and Alicia cheered.

"That's right, Angelina! Do it for England!"

The cacophony was growing. Hermione had caught Cho's eye and was busily removing the scant clothing she had left. Katie and Alicia were cheering raucously for the athletic grunts and heavy breathing coming from the closet, Narcissa was wailing, trying to attract Bellatrix's attention as Luna bobbed between her legs. Bellatrix shrieked with laughter as Ginny moaned and screamed under her. Through the din, a high, furious voice carried loud across the room.

"NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!" Molly Weasley burst in and shoved Bellatrix hard.

"Mum!" Ginny hissed. "You are _embarrassing _me!"

"We'll discuss this later, Ginevra. Right now Bellatrix and I need to have a few . . . _words_." The rage in her voice couldn't entirely mask the gleam in her eye. She grabbed Bellatrix's wrist and hauled her out of the room, the door slamming behind them.

There was silence. Even the thumping from the closet had stopped. Everyone stared openmouthed at the front door.

"Lucky," Tonks whispered enviously.

"Yeah," said Narcissa, tears welling in her eyes again.

Just then the closet opened and McGonagall and Hooch stumbled out, blinking and heaving. "What happened?" Minerva panted.

"Molly took Bellatrix," Lily said ruefully.

"How unfair!" Hooch said, her breath ragged. "She was supposed to find _me_!"

"Next time, dear," McGonagall patted her arm consolingly. "Next time."


End file.
